I just have this feeling my time may be coming sooner than expected. I'm not saying I'm losing my will to live or desire to succeed or anything like that. I'm just saying I feel older than I really am, I feel as though I already been through life as much as I am meant to and I've reached fulfillment. I feel as though if I was to be diagnosed with cancer or something fatal like that, that I could accept it rather easily and feel satisfied with what I achieved in life and I could die a happy man. Don't think of this as a suicide note or some crazy shit like that, I would never even consider that kind of stupidity. I just want to show I feel about things right now. I'm rather glad my father was in the Navy, it allowed me to meet some fantastic people, have life long memories, and experience many different places, like Guam, San Diego, Connecticut, and Florida. However, I feel that if he wasn't gone so much that I'd have a closer father-son relationship between us... I feel rather distant from him... But it is what it is, I grew up to what I am before you today... this 17, almost 18 year old who has the memories and fulfillment of someone 5 times that... I have a slight Buddhist belief system going on when it comes to religion. I strongly believe in the concept of Karma especially. Also, reincarnation seems more plausible than a heaven or hell. I believe in no god, but I do see a possibility in the concept, I do not judge people on religion, or their beliefs, but how they express it, says a lot more... Don't push your religion and beliefs on me, and I won't hate on your so called "God(s)" or messiah. I do seek enlightenment and full happiness in life. I love everyone who stands by me in life's journey, even though some of our relationships aren't the best right now, but I still cherish you all. I just can't bare being mean to anyone I truely care about, it tears me apart on the inside if I don't apologize and make amends by the end of the day or even just by the end of the hour... though, Megan complains about how much I say sorry, and says it means nothing when I say it to her anymore, I still say it and feel it helps... atleast on my end. I can not lie to someone unless I'm pissed beyond belief or made a promise not to tell... I find no point in lying, all it does is ruin friendships, upset others, and make your imagine worse. There's no point in lying to make yourself feel better, there's millions of other ways to make yourself feel better. Megan may sometimes say she hates me, but I will always love her, I have no reason to hate her. So what if she dumped me. We had our fun, and I certainly don't regret our time together. Best 2 years of my life actually... just wish it could've lasted longer, but oh well. as long we're friends, there will be no hard feelings. I tend to forgive people too easily, like my friend Michael Artman tried to kill me 8 or 9 years ago, and yet we're like brothers now. Megan could "hate" me forever, good for her, that's up to her. Some find my ability to forgive easily as a major problem, but I find it as a gift. My goal in life is simple. Just to live right. By that, I mean to not slander or harm anyone I love and care about. I may complain about my siblings alot, but they mean alot to me. I just can't stay mad at people I care about. I do believe I'm rather mature for my age, even though I don't show it much. At this point, Megan and I have been broken up for a month now, and it's been up and down. We'd argue over either of us liking someone or something like that, we apologize in an hour or the next day, and we'll work out some issues, be cool for a few days, and then something else will come up, and repeat, ever since september 19th, pretty rediculous, but I'm not going to lie, it's keeping me interested in her. I almost did ask someone out, but I mentioned the girl to Megan, and she flipped out on me, and I really did lose interest in the girl, weird... She doesn't realize how hard I try for her, I do truely want her back, but I'm not willing to interfere with her social life, unless she wants to. I even deleted connections to a close friend I knew before I even knew her just because she didn't like her and didn't want me talking to her... She says she wants me to move on, but once I make the slightest attempt to, she goes ape shit... I'd love to work things out, and renew our relationship, but I'd be fine with just one date. and staying friends after that. Wow, I've been adding bits to this since Wednesday, weird. (incase you didn't know, this was all written in a composition book) and it only started as status update on facebook that i decided to write down. I've had a writing obssesion the past few months, like writing songs and stuff. I'm even writing songs for my Dad's band, Doomed To Burn, (who has a show at Pop's on Nov. 4th it's like an early birthday thing for me to those who are going just for them) Also... I'm starting to worry about Megan, I'm afraid she's going to make mistakes and do things she will regret in the future... I know she could handle herself very well, but I'm just mainly afraid of the games she's playing with this other guy... I'll leave it at that... I'm just rammbling now. I guess all I want out of life is to be happy. Which all I really need to do is get my own place and get a girlfriend who I could be happy with for the rest of my life. Which I thought I had but whatever. So here's some random stuff not many know about me (if any at all...)
1. I just love to think. I daydream aloooot, I think about everything from the future, to conversations, to quantum physics, to space, to past memories. I even make up whole stories in my head. I also think about what happens when and after we die alot. Life just can't end right there, there must be something on the otherside.
2. I care alot about what other people think of me. I'm very self concious, and have a low self esteem... unless I'm with a friend, then I don't give a shit about people I don't know.
3. Seeing road kill saddens me. I love animals and can't stand seeing them mutilated on the side of the road...
4. I've had a good number of near death experiences... almost all of them I tell to absolutely no one... not even family or Megan, and I tell her EVERYTHING!... Yet the only nightmares i get are the ones where you're falling and once you hit the ground you instantly wake up, and I literally bounce off the bed once I wake up from those. Also about a year ago I had a dream Megan and I were staying in this big house alone during a stormy night, and in the dream I woke up to Megan just sitting up and staring at me. Whispering psychotic things, and I try to get her to talk normaly, then in a demonic voice she says "I want to play!" and pulls out a knife and and i try to get away, but she stabs me and as soon as she stabbed me, I woke up with a sharp pain where she stabbed me in the dream... that part I didn't tell her when I originally told her about it... I rarely even have normal dreams, I usually just lay in bed, fall asleep after an hour, see nothing but black for 5 or 10 minutes and then my alarm goes off.... I don't know if I sleep bad or if it's a mental problem, I may have insomnia... but I don't plan on telling my parents anytime soon....
5. I am greatly afraid of how the world is going to be for my kids once I decide to have them... I'm afraid t he world will be terrible, terrible economy, terrible morals and standards, overcrowded, and over polluted... I really do want kids eventually, but I don't want them to live in a terrible world.
I just don't know what else to say now, so to those who read this far, I give you props and endless respect. that's a heavy load off of my weakening chest and goodnight/morning/day to you all.